Part 1:
March 1, 2025 This day, free from booze, drugs, free from bulimia, like our friend Humble says, including weekends, holidays, and birthdays 41 years... like Ricky says the wrong solution led me to the right one and this week more revealed about my treasure, the Great Reality initially disclosed to me by surrendering after a solid Step 3 prayer on my knees a moral inventory, seeing I could not depend financially on family returned dad's check and God showed up coughed up actual cash to win me over just as booze had by a new experience got past "icy intellectual mountain" to faith, belief, "It is the Glory of God to conceal a matter and the Glory of man to seek it out" and that's what my life became about the contract was signed steer clear of counterfeit gods false idols of debilitating dependencies and rely on God's way, truth, light, 12 Sacred Steps to the Most High Part 2: Absurdity My sister called. a misunderstanding. I had communicated that rather than be unique , keep it simple to partition mom's money as the other siblings. She was deeply pissed off because, she yelled, "I have gone to great lengths to explain to mom your point of view in skipping the generation. You are an absurdity." And hung up. Ouch Ouch. I felt the anger in me moving electrified body and texted her to skip the generation. She refused to accept I insisted and that was that. But the anger was not to be so easily released negated or sedated its power surged, the desire to hurt what to do... withhold. punish How to retaliate, make her see God's in me Grace turned the lens to see me even in anger's electricity my defensiveness, my need to be understood, to be better than her My unwillingness to accept responsibility for my own emotional, spiritual, intellectual complexity so throw the blame no... no... no.. wrote inventory, shed tears. inner conflicts from long ago being scorned "absurdity" brought those "No one understands." Self pity. doubt understanding my own spirituality has been a zig zag for me how can I expect her to? Go deeper... see the dishonesty my relationship with my sister since little leads me to seek more deeply.. as a child slipped into the rock caves with Katie with candles seeking adventure, mystery! Thank God for the pain of rejection; it leads to deeper inner sanctuary to seek Power Texted Constance and uncharacteristically she was free "now!" Wow. Connection with another sister, a spiritual sister sharing the written rawness as emo poured, and cleansed pause, pray to see truth, feel the "aha's," she identified the flaw - wanting to be understood. That was affirming, too. let in the love Don't push it away... and I thank God for no apology it shows me how paltry my efforts are to forgive because it revealed the pain as she listened to our venerated dad for years talk about my ways, bad decisions, bad men, selfish, hurtful vanishings... so she couldn't take a second look deep enough to see the transformation that has taken place in my life, It brought up the truth of of dad's frustration he didn't deserve it. a great provider, hard worker, caring, funny, sarcastic, biting, thoughtful, an adult child of a son-of-a-bitch mansioned alcoholic, alcoholic social-savvy mom, brother, an sharp tongued, acidic thorn, dad himself a daily never-just-one drinker, lover of marching bands, and familiar opera arias on Sundays after dragged to church bloody marys on the porch pitching baseball for anyone and everyone front lawn, a cigar smoker, Tuxedo wearer, center of attention, handsome, tall, big-laugh (especially at his own jokes), obsessive, arrogant, articulate, wise, principled, in love with my mom, leaf-raking, rare-steak loving, son of privilege, always right Williams, Harvard law graduate, social register reading his-story reading gated world tennis star... passed in 2008... Part 3: Sweatshirt Thursday, a sweatshirt from Mahogany Mommies, a black women-led business, arrived, "Dear Ancestors, I understand the assignment." A breakthrough had come weeks before. I had always thought ancestors were shaking their heads, considered me a liar, delusional, without vision, goals, purpose... but it came to me that now in the Realm of Spirit, they understood... even approved, cheered, that I was working on their soul's behalf not just my own, that the amends still unfolds... I ordered the sweatshirt because even before being labeled I had started to own the truth of my own assignment, that it IS right for me, not delusional. Some of us are sloooooow learners, for sure. so much insecurity, it was ME mocking me me called me "an absurdity." |
Part 4: Pisces
Friday, 22 minute meditation, peace had returned, without out-lash, without requisite amends; family meeting scheduled for Saturday to go over chunks of mom's will; sister had advised (unsolicited) thoughtfulness; I prayed for willingness to let go of my way just to retaliate, willingness to let her be right - if she was and woke at 2am Saturday with inter-ear drama, something familiar over this last (40) + 1 year experience; I asked for confirmation, that the decision to skip a generation was His will. wrote more and emerged a list from Source streams of life through which money flows - 7 solid streams each with its own God-provides story clarity of generosity abundance love and care - call at 4pm hours away.. paused for knowledge of what to do, watching myself start to stray: "What can I eat?" or "What can I clean?" sat down to work on the neglected circular calendar Gospel in the Constellation Much to my surprise, the month was Pisces, precisely where we are! the beginning of March. As I studied and read, It struck me! Pisces the Liberator of the bound fish 2 of them strapped together by a band leashes around necks struggling to be freed, the ensnared people... blind, deaf, incarcerated in unconsciousness... and me too at times too many times. Part 5: Andromeda Pisces includes three all to-me-new constellations: the Band binding the fish Cepheus freeing and Andromeda "Andromeda is a woman with chains fastened to her feet and hands, binding her securely. captive in misery and distress. prophetic purpose in the heavens is to amplify the truth voiced in Pisces: the truth of bondage from the rejection of Messiah. Andromeda's Hebrew name means "The Chained" star meanings amplify her demise: Alpheratz (in her head) means "The Broken Down" Mirach (in her body) "The Weak" Almaak (left foot) "Struck Down" Almara "The Afflicted" In their day the prophets spoke of the nation of Israel as "the Daughter of Zion" in bondage and affliction,.." "Therefore hear this, you who are afflicted, who are drunk, but not with wine. Thus says your Lord, Adonai your god, who defends His people: "behold I have taken from your hand the cup of reeling, the bowl of my wrath. You will never drink it again. Then I will put it into the hand of your tormentors, who said to you 'Lie down so that we may walk over you' You have made your back like the ground and like a street for the passerby. Awake, awake! Clothe yourself in your strength Zion! Clothe yourself in beautiful garments, Jerusalem, the holy city for the uncircumcised and the unclean will never invade you again. Shake off the dust and arise! Be enthroned, Jerusalem. Loose the bonds off your neck, captive Daughter of Zion." (Isaiah 51:19-53:2) I had asked for confirmation, and here it is. Loud and clear. During the call, I was loving, present. And then the thought came to read the list of income streams to affirm that it was not a hardship to do without the inheritance. The list was impressive. Even if no one else heard it, I did. Wow. Look what God has done! The effect on the others, however, was palpable. My sister said that it was very good that I had read it. Randy then shared the problem of his unsellable condo. I said gently, "That's humbling." My spirituality suddenly became okay. I wasn't "an absurdity." I gave credit to dad, to Freddy. My sister insisted I take credit. I didn't fight her perspective though I felt guilty for not doing so... maybe it was the years of trying with futility to explain that it's God's Power, Love, Way of Life to my friend Sarah that kept me silent. She's gonna believe what she's gonna believe already knows it's all about God to me The spiritual foundation had been laid, the Step 3 Arch constructed and its invisibility, her blindness to it was the source of the whole "absurdity" condemnation. Part 6 So deeply grateful for the whole thing, I walked over to Freddy's Ark and back, paused at the corner to know God's next step for me. phone rang. Maya "Want to go for a walk?" I was standing right by the car. and jumped in, drove over. Saturday of Endymion so we walked towards the music-color-traffic her in the wheelchair, pushed along Lafitte Greenway, praying because crazy energy made crossing Orleans dangerous! At a corner further down after walking a while she decided time to turn back. Maya noticed the beauty of Venus and the sliver-crescent moon. We rolled into the foam-matted exercise machine area and paused. I pulled out my Skyview App... We were looking straight at Pisces!! The pair of bound fish being freed. Gasped... Wow. We moved on after a bit but I wanted to pause more reverently see more and resolved to do so once I got back home since often I struggle to savor deeply His Presence. When I got out of the car by my house, there was sliver-crescent moon and Venus clearly visible. I held my Sky-view app to focus on what I assumed was to be Pisces but was staring straight at Andromeda upside down in the sky chains broken seeingly free, flying, floating Awe and wonder. The woman unchained. A huge step forward in faith coinciding with my (40) + 1 AA Birthday, my first birthday after the 40 years in the wilderness. I love you God. so grateful for you, Jesus, and want to keep following you... You have never ever let me down. |
Yet before separation, each of those relationships was deeply troubled, too, and never resolved until the amends process in sobriety.
Lisa, I found out later through her amends to me, was a rotten, arrogant brat, raised by her mother to believe she was superior to others, vicious in her way of being but deeply protective of and connected to me. We wrote "I hate Gifford Slater" on 5th grade desks. A pattern had begun in my life of copy-catting thorny personalities who held me as special which extended in the next 3 years in friendships with Tammy, Erika, and Taylor.
My sister and I had a troubled relationship since birth. During my amends to her for my deep resentment and shame of being her sister, she told me about being marginalized, mocked, ostracized by the community, later realizing she was an undiagnosed autistic. For me, she was zero fun, depressed, mean, always very serious about everything, especially school work, and hurt me physically, bending back my fingers while playing "When the Red Red Robin" on the little record player. My nickname as a child was Gloria Glutton; she said to me, "No wonder you're fat, you're always eating." What she said was true but typical of the kind of compassionless feedback she would give me throughout life. I also felt guilty about her; a nanny beat her when I didn't clean our room: her friend Katie wanted to play with me because I was more fun; she took great care to give generously, while I was self-absorbed, constantly "winging it." Furthermore I cheated on homework, snuck cigarettes, marijuana, food, and booze, annoyed my father by my lack of conscience and relentless passionate hatred of eggs. Since the main meal we ate together as a family each week was Sunday breakfast.... this was an issue.
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My sister wanted to speak to me about my mom's inheritance. Everyone got upset because God led me to request they bypass me, my generation and give "my" inheritance rather to Bailey and Maya. Worldly people understand logic, not faith-based decisions. God provided a logical reason, that also ended up bearing witness to His Power, Love, and Way of Life.
Thank God, my request made sense in the worldly way. Why? because Maya is disabled and she and Bailey are as one, inseparable. Maya's disability also impacts Bailey's life deeply every day, not that she sees it as a negative but rather "it is what it is."
Bailey's remarkable spirit manifests her father's temperament which gently does for others without expectation of thanks or reward and is shaped by her on-going role in our family experience of his three cancer treatments. Neither does she seem to begrudge how when growing up both Maya's headaches, and Freddy's "illness" "messed up" (according to the ambitious standard of my own upbringing) her own life journey. It was always, "the normal." Pick up the prescriptions at Walgreens, get dad to the appointment, make sure things took place on schedule.
Bailey at one point before moving to New Orleans had felt and expressed deeply her internal struggle, wept, protested, and prioritized her own life in L.A. Going through the pain of that difficult choice was foundational to her way of being with Maya throughout these last 7 years, in that she leads a full life while Maya stays at home, a fact I find remarkable but best for Maya too. I, on the other hand, feel best keeping things very simple, compelled by the Spirit to walk in readiness for the call, the need, be it a talk or a trip to the grocery store, since I am not in the house but rather up the street, Maya doesn't need to know how much I am there for her, is not burdened by a hovering mother, my Presence.
So my point is that to this day, in a worldly way, it makes total "sense" that the inheritance would go to them while I am still alive. Furthermore, it means that potentially their mother, me, and others they trust would still be alive to help them navigate the logistics of the sudden "wealth" and responsibility. Having experienced that myself as a widow, it is overwhelming. Community, transparency, shared decision making.. what a different experience that could be rather than the fear, confusion, agitation, loneliness I went through.
In the realm of Spirit, it also makes profound sense. My first spiritual experience 41 years ago, was triggered by the willingness to return a $500 check to my father. In the Fifth Step, Richard had pointed out the debilitating dependency, which he poetically and accurately called "a poison tit" that I needed to let go of, for all and for good. That was HARD, dropping the check into the blue box in the valley... I still hear the sound of the box mouth creaking open... And returning to my studio box wondering what was going to provide, leafing through a book, a hundred dollar bill flew out. Went right past my "icy intellectual mountain" and registered in gut. GOD! Presence! Something happened in me that said, "I am here!" "Here I am!" It was not a Jesus experience... but in the deepest sense of the word "religion," it was, since re-liger means to reconnect. I was reconnected to God, a connection lost long ago... can't remember when... have no conscious memory of it every existing aside from singing "Lilies of the Valley deck my garden walk. Oh how I wish that I could hear them ring! That can only happen when the fairies sing!" with Lisa Nash in the music room at Tuxedo Park School maybe in 1st grade? not sure.
But, a more terrifying connection to Spirit had occurred with "The Numbers Lady," a spirit woman who visited me, spoke to me about numbers night after night after my sister left home when I was about in 6th grade. She spoke to me of the Oreo cookies and 8 ounce milk I bought at recess daily. After many visits which escalated from the cost of the cookies, which I would have to pay 10 then 20 then a hundred, then 1000, then a million quarters for... which the others would have to pay only one quarter... "that's not fair! But then the conversation shifted to "do you know how many a million is?" and "Do you know how far away the moon is?" and "Do you know how far a million miles is?" and "Do you know how far away the stars are?" And I was terrified, terrified. I remember crying out to my mom, "Please don't go, the Numbers Lady is going to come." She said to me calmly, "Tell her to go away" as if it was no big deal at all. I remember holding the covers to my chin saying, "Go away. Go away. Go away." Over and over.
And she did.
Yet numbers followed me.
In sobriety I became an elementary math coach. About 40 years after the Numbers Lady left, Rick Guerrero called me to bat in the teachers vs 5th grade softball game at Ramona Elementary in Los Angeles. "And now at bat, the Numbers Lady!"
Not only numbers were hard-wired with my Visitor, but also a tremendous sense of the enormity of iniquity. The chasm between rich and poor, the radical separation of life experiences. That "go away" may have been part of the deep chasm of denial of, fear of, reverence for the enormity of God that engulfed me, and the need to run from it and my Tuxedo Park cocoon and eradicate consciousness of Presence. Lisa, "coincidentally" moved out of the Park at about the same time my sister left home.
So "lily of the valley" Lisa, my sister, and the Numbers Lady all left at about the same time; I had no rudder within... I remember a nightmare when Lisa left; a trolly was going uphill in tremendous rain making the track mud-soaked. I was chasing the train crying, "Don't leave me" as she waved from the back porch of the trolley.
Richard's suggestion, my desperation and subsequent willingness to follow direction, led to a release of financial entanglement with my family, for the most part. In the hazy world of participating in generational wealth coupled with the subtle daily effects of alcoholism, a sword (the Word) appeared in my experience. "You can not worship both God and money." The effect of that decision-action and the Power that it gave me an experience of, triggered a hunger and thirt for righteousness, a righteousness that meant alignment with spiritual principles that would continue to give me experiences beyond the understanding of my fiercely fighting back ego ("flesh" or "disease" or "the cosmic powers of this present darkness..." My family are good people but are without a doubt caught blindly in a matrix. I say this now, knowing that they read along with me, my beloved ancestors Sammy, Gackie, dad and well aware that my own vision is profoundly limited, too. As an active alcoholic and bulimic, I was seeking connection to Truth, Light, a Way that felt authentic and real. As an alcoholic in recovery, I was found by the God that had been seeking me,
Lisa, I found out later through her amends to me, was a rotten, arrogant brat, raised by her mother to believe she was superior to others, vicious in her way of being but deeply protective of and connected to me. We wrote "I hate Gifford Slater" on 5th grade desks. A pattern had begun in my life of copy-catting thorny personalities who held me as special which extended in the next 3 years in friendships with Tammy, Erika, and Taylor.
My sister and I had a troubled relationship since birth. During my amends to her for my deep resentment and shame of being her sister, she told me about being marginalized, mocked, ostracized by the community, later realizing she was an undiagnosed autistic. For me, she was zero fun, depressed, mean, always very serious about everything, especially school work, and hurt me physically, bending back my fingers while playing "When the Red Red Robin" on the little record player. My nickname as a child was Gloria Glutton; she said to me, "No wonder you're fat, you're always eating." What she said was true but typical of the kind of compassionless feedback she would give me throughout life. I also felt guilty about her; a nanny beat her when I didn't clean our room: her friend Katie wanted to play with me because I was more fun; she took great care to give generously, while I was self-absorbed, constantly "winging it." Furthermore I cheated on homework, snuck cigarettes, marijuana, food, and booze, annoyed my father by my lack of conscience and relentless passionate hatred of eggs. Since the main meal we ate together as a family each week was Sunday breakfast.... this was an issue.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
My sister wanted to speak to me about my mom's inheritance. Everyone got upset because God led me to request they bypass me, my generation and give "my" inheritance rather to Bailey and Maya. Worldly people understand logic, not faith-based decisions. God provided a logical reason, that also ended up bearing witness to His Power, Love, and Way of Life.
Thank God, my request made sense in the worldly way. Why? because Maya is disabled and she and Bailey are as one, inseparable. Maya's disability also impacts Bailey's life deeply every day, not that she sees it as a negative but rather "it is what it is."
Bailey's remarkable spirit manifests her father's temperament which gently does for others without expectation of thanks or reward and is shaped by her on-going role in our family experience of his three cancer treatments. Neither does she seem to begrudge how when growing up both Maya's headaches, and Freddy's "illness" "messed up" (according to the ambitious standard of my own upbringing) her own life journey. It was always, "the normal." Pick up the prescriptions at Walgreens, get dad to the appointment, make sure things took place on schedule.
Bailey at one point before moving to New Orleans had felt and expressed deeply her internal struggle, wept, protested, and prioritized her own life in L.A. Going through the pain of that difficult choice was foundational to her way of being with Maya throughout these last 7 years, in that she leads a full life while Maya stays at home, a fact I find remarkable but best for Maya too. I, on the other hand, feel best keeping things very simple, compelled by the Spirit to walk in readiness for the call, the need, be it a talk or a trip to the grocery store, since I am not in the house but rather up the street, Maya doesn't need to know how much I am there for her, is not burdened by a hovering mother, my Presence.
So my point is that to this day, in a worldly way, it makes total "sense" that the inheritance would go to them while I am still alive. Furthermore, it means that potentially their mother, me, and others they trust would still be alive to help them navigate the logistics of the sudden "wealth" and responsibility. Having experienced that myself as a widow, it is overwhelming. Community, transparency, shared decision making.. what a different experience that could be rather than the fear, confusion, agitation, loneliness I went through.
In the realm of Spirit, it also makes profound sense. My first spiritual experience 41 years ago, was triggered by the willingness to return a $500 check to my father. In the Fifth Step, Richard had pointed out the debilitating dependency, which he poetically and accurately called "a poison tit" that I needed to let go of, for all and for good. That was HARD, dropping the check into the blue box in the valley... I still hear the sound of the box mouth creaking open... And returning to my studio box wondering what was going to provide, leafing through a book, a hundred dollar bill flew out. Went right past my "icy intellectual mountain" and registered in gut. GOD! Presence! Something happened in me that said, "I am here!" "Here I am!" It was not a Jesus experience... but in the deepest sense of the word "religion," it was, since re-liger means to reconnect. I was reconnected to God, a connection lost long ago... can't remember when... have no conscious memory of it every existing aside from singing "Lilies of the Valley deck my garden walk. Oh how I wish that I could hear them ring! That can only happen when the fairies sing!" with Lisa Nash in the music room at Tuxedo Park School maybe in 1st grade? not sure.
But, a more terrifying connection to Spirit had occurred with "The Numbers Lady," a spirit woman who visited me, spoke to me about numbers night after night after my sister left home when I was about in 6th grade. She spoke to me of the Oreo cookies and 8 ounce milk I bought at recess daily. After many visits which escalated from the cost of the cookies, which I would have to pay 10 then 20 then a hundred, then 1000, then a million quarters for... which the others would have to pay only one quarter... "that's not fair! But then the conversation shifted to "do you know how many a million is?" and "Do you know how far away the moon is?" and "Do you know how far a million miles is?" and "Do you know how far away the stars are?" And I was terrified, terrified. I remember crying out to my mom, "Please don't go, the Numbers Lady is going to come." She said to me calmly, "Tell her to go away" as if it was no big deal at all. I remember holding the covers to my chin saying, "Go away. Go away. Go away." Over and over.
And she did.
Yet numbers followed me.
In sobriety I became an elementary math coach. About 40 years after the Numbers Lady left, Rick Guerrero called me to bat in the teachers vs 5th grade softball game at Ramona Elementary in Los Angeles. "And now at bat, the Numbers Lady!"
Not only numbers were hard-wired with my Visitor, but also a tremendous sense of the enormity of iniquity. The chasm between rich and poor, the radical separation of life experiences. That "go away" may have been part of the deep chasm of denial of, fear of, reverence for the enormity of God that engulfed me, and the need to run from it and my Tuxedo Park cocoon and eradicate consciousness of Presence. Lisa, "coincidentally" moved out of the Park at about the same time my sister left home.
So "lily of the valley" Lisa, my sister, and the Numbers Lady all left at about the same time; I had no rudder within... I remember a nightmare when Lisa left; a trolly was going uphill in tremendous rain making the track mud-soaked. I was chasing the train crying, "Don't leave me" as she waved from the back porch of the trolley.
Richard's suggestion, my desperation and subsequent willingness to follow direction, led to a release of financial entanglement with my family, for the most part. In the hazy world of participating in generational wealth coupled with the subtle daily effects of alcoholism, a sword (the Word) appeared in my experience. "You can not worship both God and money." The effect of that decision-action and the Power that it gave me an experience of, triggered a hunger and thirt for righteousness, a righteousness that meant alignment with spiritual principles that would continue to give me experiences beyond the understanding of my fiercely fighting back ego ("flesh" or "disease" or "the cosmic powers of this present darkness..." My family are good people but are without a doubt caught blindly in a matrix. I say this now, knowing that they read along with me, my beloved ancestors Sammy, Gackie, dad and well aware that my own vision is profoundly limited, too. As an active alcoholic and bulimic, I was seeking connection to Truth, Light, a Way that felt authentic and real. As an alcoholic in recovery, I was found by the God that had been seeking me,