"Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts.
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
(Psalm 139: 23-24)
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is a log in your own?"
(Luke 7:3-4)
Try me and know my thoughts.
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
(Psalm 139: 23-24)
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is a log in your own?"
(Luke 7:3-4)
The Big Book suggests self-examination using three different perspectives on what is going on inside of me:
1. A Four-Column Inventory of Resentments
2. An Inventory of Fears
3. An Inventory of Sex Conduct
Resentment Inventory
Richard, my first sponsor, gave me this prayer to write at the top of the page:
"Write through me God your healing and liberating truth please, Thy will be done. Please keep me sober, clean, and abstinent no matter what happens or how I feel."
Column 1
Who am I resentful at?
He then asked me, "Who do you hate the most in the world?"
I answered him.
He said to write a list, starting with those two people and go back through my life to find people, institutions, and principles that I am resentful at. I often have sponsees create a time line of their life chunked in 7- year spans and use that as a tool to reflect back.
NOTE: Resentment might be in the form of jealousy, disappointment, avoiding someone or something, harsh judgement or criticism, feelings of superiority or inferiority. For example, instead of writing, "I am resentful at...." I would write "I am jealous of...." or "I feel superior to.... because..." "I am judging..."
Column 2
Why am I resentful?
He said to write WHY I was resentful (avoiding someone, jealous, self-pitying,...) with three notes:
1. Don't censor anything.
2. Let it flow.
3. What you don't put down, you get to keep.
(If it gets too unruly, I vent on a different paper and then look at what is written. Usually a more succinct version of why I'm resentful will pop out.
Richard, my first sponsor, gave me this prayer to write at the top of the page:
"Write through me God your healing and liberating truth please, Thy will be done. Please keep me sober, clean, and abstinent no matter what happens or how I feel."
Column 1
Who am I resentful at?
He then asked me, "Who do you hate the most in the world?"
I answered him.
He said to write a list, starting with those two people and go back through my life to find people, institutions, and principles that I am resentful at. I often have sponsees create a time line of their life chunked in 7- year spans and use that as a tool to reflect back.
NOTE: Resentment might be in the form of jealousy, disappointment, avoiding someone or something, harsh judgement or criticism, feelings of superiority or inferiority. For example, instead of writing, "I am resentful at...." I would write "I am jealous of...." or "I feel superior to.... because..." "I am judging..."
Column 2
Why am I resentful?
He said to write WHY I was resentful (avoiding someone, jealous, self-pitying,...) with three notes:
1. Don't censor anything.
2. Let it flow.
3. What you don't put down, you get to keep.
(If it gets too unruly, I vent on a different paper and then look at what is written. Usually a more succinct version of why I'm resentful will pop out.
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Column 3
How was I affected? Next we are asked to look at how the wrong-doing of others affected me whether that wrong was real or imagined. Below are three different ways to write the third column from simple (A) to more complex (C). Option A (just write the word as in the example in the Big Book) Did it affect my: self-esteem? ambition? security? pride? personal relations? sex relations? pocketbook? |
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Option B
(elaborate more) Did it affect these areas and how did affect them? self esteem? Did it affect the way I felt about myself? How? ambition? Did it affect my ambition, what I wanted? How? security? Did it affect my security, what I needed? How? pride? Did it affect my pride, the way I want others to see me? How? personal relations? Did it affect my personal relationships with others? How? sex relations? Did it affect my sex life? How? pocketbook? Did it affect an investment I had made of money, time, emotional energy? How? |
Option C
(elaborate more) Imagine yourself on a stage. Who are you? How do the other actors behave on your stage? This method has shown me how I take on the role of the Playwright, the Employer, how I play God. self esteem? Who am I in this resentment? Who is the "self" that is affected? ambition? What did that "self" want? security? What did that self need? pride? How did that self want to be seen? personal relations? Who should others be in relationship to that self? sex relations? Who should others be (if a sexual energy is present) in relationship to that self? pocketbook? How was that self's investment affected? (Investments might be time, money, skills, energy, love, care, etc) |
Pray after Writing the Third Column
Before writing column 4, the Big Book directs us to pray for the person, institution, or principle resented, to be ready to look at the resentment from an entirely different angle.
Below are 3 prayers that might be helpful, the first derived straight from the Big Book's text:
Before writing column 4, the Big Book directs us to pray for the person, institution, or principle resented, to be ready to look at the resentment from an entirely different angle.
Below are 3 prayers that might be helpful, the first derived straight from the Big Book's text:
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Prayer to See from a Different Angle "God, I see that wrong doing of others has the power to actually kill me. How can I get free? I can't wish these resentments away any more than I can wish away drinking and binging, Help me to realize this person is spiritually ill like me. Give me your Power me to show them the same tolerance, compassion and patience I would have for a chronically ill friend. How can I be helpful? God, save me from being angry. Please give me Power to set aside their wrongs entirely and see my own mistakes." Thy will be done." (derived from the Big Book pages 66 and 67). |
Prayer for Compassion "God I pray to realize this person is spiritually sick, misaligned in some way with your laws and principles, and therefore unloving, just like I am when separated from you. I feel the consequences of her disconnection from you!! I truly pray for a new heart of flesh - one full of understanding, compassion, patience, and tolerance like the one you give me for a chronically ill loved one. |
Prayer for Truth with Love God save me from the poison of resentment, while not denying or negating the truth, knowing that with your Power, Love, and Way of Life I can walk in the love of you and my neighbor without blinders to others' humanness. I pray to disregard entirely their mistakes to see the truth - without equivocation - of my own, knowing that the truth sets me free, knowing that you love me no matter what. Thy will be done." |
Look lovingly at ourselves as if from heaven.
Column 4
What are my mistakes?
"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."
selfish and self-centered
What am I holding on to? What do I refuse to release? How am I not trusting God? What larger picture am I failing to see? What might God's perspective be? How am I failing to see someone else's point of view? Have I ever been guilty of something similar?
self-seeking
What am I trying to get? How am I thinking and acting on behalf of only myself, my ambition, my wants and desires? How am I trying to fill that God-shaped hole? How am I seeking something other than God's will? How am I not listening to the God within myself?
dishonest
What lies am I telling to others or to myself? Am I creating a false narrative? What benefit do I get from this narrative? This is where "old ideas" are exposed, too. For example, "I don't ask for help because I believe that is a sign of weakness." "I have to stick it out because to leave is failure." "If I tell the truth of my feelings I will be reflected." What truth would God have me live instead of that old idea? "
afraid
What am I afraid of?
What are my mistakes?
"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."
selfish and self-centered
What am I holding on to? What do I refuse to release? How am I not trusting God? What larger picture am I failing to see? What might God's perspective be? How am I failing to see someone else's point of view? Have I ever been guilty of something similar?
self-seeking
What am I trying to get? How am I thinking and acting on behalf of only myself, my ambition, my wants and desires? How am I trying to fill that God-shaped hole? How am I seeking something other than God's will? How am I not listening to the God within myself?
dishonest
What lies am I telling to others or to myself? Am I creating a false narrative? What benefit do I get from this narrative? This is where "old ideas" are exposed, too. For example, "I don't ask for help because I believe that is a sign of weakness." "I have to stick it out because to leave is failure." "If I tell the truth of my feelings I will be reflected." What truth would God have me live instead of that old idea? "
afraid
What am I afraid of?
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Fear Inventory
List all your fears. Consider if you are also afraid of their opposites. Then whittle them down to 4-7 core fears and write on those using the following questions derived from the Big Book page 68. These same questions can be used for depression. As always when writing, pray for the healing and liberating truth to be revealed before putting pen to paper and remember what led to the third step decision. These are six questions Fran gave Chandra M. for writing a fear inventory on the core level fears,
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Sex Inventory
The directions for the sex inventory are very clear in the Big Book on pages 68-70. One of the most important components of the sex inventory that is often overlooked, is the ideal. The following prayer personal to me is derived from pages 69 and 70 in the Big Book. Adapt it as you are led to do. The same inventory questions can be used for money and food. Prayer for a Sex Ideal
God, please help me shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life even if I never have sex again. Help me to subject each relation to the test of whether it is selfish or not. Please mold my ideal and help me to live up to it, remembering my sex power is a gift from you and therefore good, not to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised or loathed. Help me to be willing to grow towards my ideal, to make amends when I have caused harm, to ask you in meditation about each specific matter, trusting that the right answer will come because I am willing to listen for and surrender to your will. I believe that only you can judge my sex situation, no one else - you are the final judge. I do feel sorry for what I did recently in sobriety - allowing a man to intimidate me, giving him power to control my sense of myself, making him a false god which is also not your will for him, and have the honest desire for you to take me to better things. I pray not to cause more harm as you heal all my relationships with others. |
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