The Big Book suggests self-examination using three different inventories:
1. A Four-Column Inventory of Resentments (and/or anger-related emotions such as hurts, offenses, interferences, disappointments, betrayals, vengefulness...)
2. An Inventory of Fears (and/or fear-related emotions such as jealousy, confusion, depression, worry, anxiety, stress, comparison)
3. An Inventory of Sex Conduct (or any conduct: money, food, etc.)
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
(Big Book Step 4: Page 53)
"Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts.
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
(Psalm 139: 23-24)
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye,
but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,'
when there is a log in your own?"
(Luke 7:3-4)
Resentment Inventory
Richard, my first sponsor, gave me this prayer to write at the top of the page:
"Write through me God your healing and liberating truth please, Thy will be done. Please keep me sober, clean, and abstinent no matter what happens or how I feel."
Column 1
Who am I resentful at?
He then asked me, "Who do you hate the most in the world?"
I answered him.
He said to write a list, starting with those two people and go back through my life to find people, institutions, and principles that I am resentful at.
NOTE: Resentment might be in the form of jealousy, disappointment, avoiding someone or something, harsh judgement or criticism, feelings of superiority or inferiority. For example, instead of writing, "I am resentful at...." I would write "I feel threatened by..." "I am jealous of...." or "I feel superior to.... because..." "I am harshly judging..."
I have sponsees create a time line of their life chunked in 7- year spans and use that as a tool to reflect back. What resentments did you have between 0 and 7 years of age? 7 and 14?
Column 2
Why am I resentful?
He said to write WHY I was resentful (avoiding someone, jealous, self-pitying,...) with three notes:
1. Don't censor anything.
2. Let it flow.
3. What you don't put down, you get to keep.
(If it gets too unruly, I vent on a different paper and then look at what is written. Usually a more succinct version of why I'm resentful will pop out.
Richard, my first sponsor, gave me this prayer to write at the top of the page:
"Write through me God your healing and liberating truth please, Thy will be done. Please keep me sober, clean, and abstinent no matter what happens or how I feel."
Column 1
Who am I resentful at?
He then asked me, "Who do you hate the most in the world?"
I answered him.
He said to write a list, starting with those two people and go back through my life to find people, institutions, and principles that I am resentful at.
NOTE: Resentment might be in the form of jealousy, disappointment, avoiding someone or something, harsh judgement or criticism, feelings of superiority or inferiority. For example, instead of writing, "I am resentful at...." I would write "I feel threatened by..." "I am jealous of...." or "I feel superior to.... because..." "I am harshly judging..."
I have sponsees create a time line of their life chunked in 7- year spans and use that as a tool to reflect back. What resentments did you have between 0 and 7 years of age? 7 and 14?
Column 2
Why am I resentful?
He said to write WHY I was resentful (avoiding someone, jealous, self-pitying,...) with three notes:
1. Don't censor anything.
2. Let it flow.
3. What you don't put down, you get to keep.
(If it gets too unruly, I vent on a different paper and then look at what is written. Usually a more succinct version of why I'm resentful will pop out.
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Column 3
How was I affected? Next we are asked to look at how the wrong-doing of others affected me whether that wrong was real or imagined. Below are three different ways to write the third column from simple (A) to more complex (C). Option A (just write the word as in the example in the Big Book) Did it affect my: self-esteem? ambition? security? pride? personal relations? sex relations? pocketbook? |
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Option B
Did it affect these areas and how did affect them? self esteem? Did it affect the way I felt about myself? How? ambition? Did it affect my ambition, what I wanted? How? security? Did it affect my security, what I needed? How? pride? Did it affect my pride, the way I want others to see me? How? personal relations? Did it affect my personal relationships with others? How? sex relations? Did it affect my sex life? How? pocketbook? Did it affect an investment I had made of money, time, emotional energy? How? |
IOption C: "Theater of the Lie"
Imagine yourself as the director. How do the actors behave on your stage? This method has shown me how I take on the role of the Director, the Playwright, the Employer, how I play God. self esteem? Who am I in this resentment? Who is the "self" that is affected? (Imagine yourself on the stage; what is your role?) Start with: I am... ambition? What does that "self" want? Start with: I want... security? What does that self need? Start with: I need... pride? How does that self want to be seen by the other actors? Start with: Other should see me as ... personal relations? sex relations (if sexual energy is present) Who should the others be? What role are they playing? Start with: The person I resent is... pocketbook? How was that self's investment affected? (Investments might be time, money, skills, energy, love, care, etc) Start with: My investment is threatened because... |
The "Course" or Process after Writing the Third Column and before writing the Fourth Column
Prayer: God, I see that wrong doing of others has the power to actually kill me. How can I get free? I can't wish these resentments away any more than I can wish away drinking, using, and binging, Help me to realize this person is spiritually ill like me.
Writing: Please show me the truth of how I may have done, or felt like doing, the same thing or something similar to someone. (Write that down.)
Prayer: Give me your Power me to show them the same tolerance, compassion and patience I would have for a chronically ill friend. How can I be helpful? God, save me from being angry.
Prayer: Please give me Power to put their wrongs out of my mind, to disregard their wrongs entirely and see my own mistakes, where I'm to blame. Thy will be done."
(derived from the Big Book pages 66 and 67).
Writing: Please show me the truth of how I may have done, or felt like doing, the same thing or something similar to someone. (Write that down.)
Prayer: Give me your Power me to show them the same tolerance, compassion and patience I would have for a chronically ill friend. How can I be helpful? God, save me from being angry.
Prayer: Please give me Power to put their wrongs out of my mind, to disregard their wrongs entirely and see my own mistakes, where I'm to blame. Thy will be done."
(derived from the Big Book pages 66 and 67).
Look lovingly at ourselves as if from heaven.
Column 4
What are my mistakes?
self-centered/ selfish. The opposite of self-centeredness is God centeredness.
What am I holding on to? What do I refuse to release? How am I not trusting God? What larger picture am I failing to see? What might God's perspective be? How am I failing to see someone else's point of view? Have I ever been guilty of something similar?
dishonest
What lies am I telling to others or to myself? Am I creating a false narrative? Is this what I'm really angry about; does this remind me or bring up something from the past? This is where "old ideas" are exposed, too. For example, "I don't ask for help because I believe that is a sign of weakness (or I'm proud, don't want to let people into the details of my life or I want to hold on to control of this area of my life." "I have to stick it out because to leave is failure." "If I tell the truth of my feelings I will be rejected.") What truth would God have me live instead of that old idea?"
self-seeking
What am I trying to get? How am I thinking and acting on behalf of only myself, my ambition, my wants and desires? How am I trying to fill that God-shaped hole? How am I seeking something other than God's will? How am I not listening to the God within myself? What benefit do I get from my false narrative?
afraid
What am I afraid of? What fears does this bring up from my past, my childhood?
What harm can I see I caused through this resentment?
What are my mistakes?
self-centered/ selfish. The opposite of self-centeredness is God centeredness.
What am I holding on to? What do I refuse to release? How am I not trusting God? What larger picture am I failing to see? What might God's perspective be? How am I failing to see someone else's point of view? Have I ever been guilty of something similar?
dishonest
What lies am I telling to others or to myself? Am I creating a false narrative? Is this what I'm really angry about; does this remind me or bring up something from the past? This is where "old ideas" are exposed, too. For example, "I don't ask for help because I believe that is a sign of weakness (or I'm proud, don't want to let people into the details of my life or I want to hold on to control of this area of my life." "I have to stick it out because to leave is failure." "If I tell the truth of my feelings I will be rejected.") What truth would God have me live instead of that old idea?"
self-seeking
What am I trying to get? How am I thinking and acting on behalf of only myself, my ambition, my wants and desires? How am I trying to fill that God-shaped hole? How am I seeking something other than God's will? How am I not listening to the God within myself? What benefit do I get from my false narrative?
afraid
What am I afraid of? What fears does this bring up from my past, my childhood?
What harm can I see I caused through this resentment?
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Fear Inventory
List all your fears. Consider if you are also afraid of their opposites. Then whittle them down to 4-7 core fears and write on those using the following questions derived from the Big Book page 68. These same questions can be used for depression. As always when writing, pray for the healing and liberating truth to be revealed before putting pen to paper and remember what led to the third step decision. These are six questions Fran gave Chandra M. for writing a fear inventory on the core level fears,
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Sex Inventory
The directions for the sex inventory are very clear in the Big Book on pages 68-70. One of the most important components of the sex inventory that is often overlooked, is the ideal. The following prayer personal to me is derived from pages 69 and 70 in the Big Book. Adapt it as you are led to do. The same inventory questions can be used for money and food. Prayer for a Sex Ideal
God, please help me shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life. Help me to subject each relation to the test of whether it is selfish or not. Please mold my ideal and help me to live up to it remembering my sex power is a gift from you and therefore good, not to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised or loathed. Help me to be willing to grow towards my ideal, to make amends when I have caused harm, to ask you in meditation about each specific matter, trusting that the right answer will come because I am willing to listen for and surrender to your will. I believe that only you can judge my sex situation, no one else - you are the final judge. I do feel sorry for what I did: (insert your own wrongs here for the purple text) allowing a man to intimidate me, giving him power to control my sense of myself, making him a false god which is also not your will for him, and I do have the honest desire for you to take me to better things. I pray not to cause more harm as you heal all my relationships with others. |
I am enriched by this image because it somehow captures the God energy of "one flesh," of trust, unity, transcendence in sex when in the Presence of Divine Love. What are the conditions that make this tender, healing, dynamic experience an on-going possibility within an intimate relationship? Maybe that is what needs to be clarified in my sex ideal?
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