Step 9
Made direct amends to those we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Made direct amends to those we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.
After reading in the Big Book, these were some helpful details from my sponsors for Step 9.
From my inventory, I learned out to uncover who and what I had harmed from 2 main sources:
On the front I was directed to put the name and contact information and what thought came as to whether each amend was better to do directly, in a letter, by phone, at graveside, using a "surrogate" (e.g. one of the stores I stole from was closed so I made the amend to a small store in my neighborhood, explaining the situation to the owner who understood immediately).
On the back, I was directed to explain the harm I caused as precisely as possible, e.g. instead of "I was uncommunicative" to say, "When I was about 10, you came to my room and said that you did not want me to smoke pot. Instead of opening up and communicating, I kept quiet. This started a pattern. Other examples are...."
After making my cards, the next thing was to meet and discuss each one with my sponsor. She helped me to sort out if I really had caused harm, what false motives I might have for making amends, and get as clear as possible.
I then put them in order from easiest for me to do to the most challenging and started with the easy ones. Note: Below the Sankofa Bird is an amend that is part of a living amend I have been making to African-Americans.
From my inventory, I learned out to uncover who and what I had harmed from 2 main sources:
- the people, places, and institutions from my resentment, fear, and sex inventories
- the list of my defects of character: Let me clarify; looking over my defect's list from Steps 7 and 8, I asked myself if there were other people who were harmed that did not show up in my inventory. For example, I had no resentment at the stores I had stolen from but the defect of stealing caused harm to the owners and workers at those businesses.
On the front I was directed to put the name and contact information and what thought came as to whether each amend was better to do directly, in a letter, by phone, at graveside, using a "surrogate" (e.g. one of the stores I stole from was closed so I made the amend to a small store in my neighborhood, explaining the situation to the owner who understood immediately).
On the back, I was directed to explain the harm I caused as precisely as possible, e.g. instead of "I was uncommunicative" to say, "When I was about 10, you came to my room and said that you did not want me to smoke pot. Instead of opening up and communicating, I kept quiet. This started a pattern. Other examples are...."
After making my cards, the next thing was to meet and discuss each one with my sponsor. She helped me to sort out if I really had caused harm, what false motives I might have for making amends, and get as clear as possible.
I then put them in order from easiest for me to do to the most challenging and started with the easy ones. Note: Below the Sankofa Bird is an amend that is part of a living amend I have been making to African-Americans.