"Give it all to God." (Alma's last words to me, repeated as she rocked back and forth in pain close to her passing.)

"My Creator, I am now willing you should have all of me, the good to work with and the bad.
I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character
that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding." (Big Book, page 76) 

I say this prayer daily; the first time was after reading my 5th step to my sponsor.  
"The good" (industriousness, generosity, concern, love, respect, mercy, etc.) needs to be for God's "kingdom" - fellowship, Realm of Spirit - NOT for my ego's relentless purposes;
"The bad" (e.g. lack of compassion, over-sensitivity, grandiosity, impatience, greed, self-centeredness... etc.) needs to be removed by God in God's time and way as he manifests His will for my life. Not self-improvement, a.k.a. self-centeredness.

Step 7 is an Prayer from the Heart, an ASK. 
A  sk.        
S  eek.      
K  nock.    

"Ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find;
knock and it will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives, 
and the who who seeks finds,
and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

Or which one of you, 
if his son asks him for bread,
will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish,
will give him a serpent?
If you then,
who is in this world,
know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father
who is in heaven
give good things to those who ask him!

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them,
for this is the Law and the Prophets."
(Matthew 7:7-12)

Step 7 is a White Flag Waving, a surrender to God.

Surrender! What? I....
  • interrupt or sulk silently because you should listen to me! (arrogance, entitlement); 
  • do good to look good (self-seeking);
  • am a glutton or withhold, starve myself and others (greed, self-indulgence, cruelty, impatience);
  • don't want to share "my" money or want to give it all away, spend it all on others or hoard it (selfishness, ingratitude, playing God);
  • don't want to listen to others, hear their pain or joy or I don't want to share what's going on with me (selfishness, ambition, self-seeking);
  • try to get attention or try to be invisible by using my God-given talents of being smart, creative, insightful, spiritual (aggressiveness, self-seeking, dishonesty);
  • resent myself or you or both of us for our humanity! (control-monger, dictator, playing God, tyrant). 
  • am extremely emotional and sensitive about me and those I love and dismissive of others' pains and trials, joys and celebrations (self-centeredness, selfishness, etc.)
  • date people who shun and reject me or idolize me (selfishness, dishonesty, fear, self-seeking):
  • reject my sexuality or fantasize extravagantly (dishonesty, self-hate, arrogance, fear).
Clearly the problem is not the behavior but the heart! My cold and warm heart is God's job. Me, the chronically unique acclaim grabbing, talented, loving, resentful, fearful, creative, desperately insecure, frightened being needs God's loving hand to mold me, needs the Master Potter, the Creator, my Maker to continue to change and grow me to the woman needed for each new assignment, be that making the bed, washing the dishes, sponsoring, being a daughter/mother, coworker, employer..

This is the nature of the God I am surrendering to!
​
  • loving
  • guiding
  • all-knowing
  • wise
  • delightful
  • energetic
  • demanding
  • creative
  • indulgent
  • providing
  • exacting
  • forgiving
  • precise
  • clear
  • ambitious
  • artistic
  • creative
  • funny
  • pleasure-loving
  • understanding
  • ​demanding…

  • realistic
  • evident
  • blossoming​

  • ever-lasting
  • eternal
  • compassionate
  • present 
  • patient
  • musical
  • protective
  • spontaneous
  • accessible

​Step 7 IS the bridge to the 10th step promise of "We have ceased fighting everything and everyone."

I surrender!
The fight is OVER.
I AM beginning to define and clarify my new-found, excavated morals, beliefs, spiritual principles, way of living, truth.
That means others may not always like me, agree with what I say or choose to do. BUT that is okay. I didn't surrender to other people but rather to the Infinite God of the Universe.
​My life is a TESTIMONY to God's POWER, LOVE, and WAY OF LIFE. 

Step 7 brings the biggest changes of all.

My experience is that each time I have started the steps over from the beginning,
very large changes have happened in my life, which I now, in retrospect, attribute to Steps 6 and 7. 

It is these steps that allow me to make amends.
It is Step 7 that allows me to listen for the will of my Creator and respond to it one day at a time.
It is Step 7 that allows me to keep AA at the center rather than the periphery of my life. 

As defects are removed, there is often pain and more pain until holding on is more painful than letting go.
But it is the pain of spiritual growth;
furthermore it includes a flipping of priorities one day at a time:
working with others before taking care of what I think I need,
writing and sharing a 10th step when resentful or afraid,
praying and meditating when I'm sure I need to take action. 
  • Because God healed me of my need to be a dancer, to make lots of money quickly, and to be off-again, on-again financially dependent on my parents, I was able to have many spiritual experiences that I witnessed and understood, leave waitressing and start to find a new work life. (7 months sober.)
  • Because God healed me of my need to have my family's approval, to control with sex, and therefore to live up to my sex ideal, I was able to watch myself fall in love, be married to a man I truly trusted, and have two children. (7 years sober)
  • Because God healed me of my arrogant need to diminish myself, stay small and invisible, I was given the Power to return to school and get my master's degree. This allowed me then to have a completely new professional experience.  (14 years sober)
  • Because God healed me of my need to defy or seek the approval of authority figures, I was able to start my own business and be successful with it. (21 years sober)
  • Because God healed me of my need to control my finances and work, trusting instead in God's timing and will, I was able to walk through 10 years of cancer with my husband and 2 years of hospice. (28 years sober)
  • Because God healed me of my need to have an identity as someone's wife, I am able to be a widow.  (35 years sober)
  • Because God healed me of my attachment to a home, to my AA fellowship, to my city of rebirth, I was able to respond to God's will and move across the country to a new city and be of service to my daughter during a crisis. (34 years sober)
  • BecauseGod healed me of my financial insecurity and gave me agency, power, and wisdom, I was able to purchase a property that is useful to many people seeking recovery.

Each of these huge changes was preceded by a journey through the 12 steps from the beginning, starting at 5 years sober, praying to set aside what I think I know in order to have a new experience. I didn't say the set aside prayer my first time through the steps. But the truth is I didn't think I knew anything about God or the steps, though I had NO idea that there was a whole new world on the other side of my self-centered know-it-all-ism.