This song appeared on my phone yesterday, divinely pasted in a text I was writing... on a day wherein fear and resentment had bullet-riddled my Spirit, rendering it beyond human aid. I had realized my state the night before and asked God to take me beyond myself, my worries and fears related to the well-being of my two daughters. The manifestation of the song was the answer to that prayer, perfect medicine.
I was so self-centered that at first I heard the song as asking for solace for me. But the song hears the suffering of Jesus and invites him to lay down to be heard and loved; "are you in need, Jesus?" It reminded me that there is so much suffering and amidst it I am a flower of his love that can slip into blindness in my need for my own way.
So yesterday, just when I thought I had every right to be self-centered because of the enormity of the brain surgery our little family faces and the complexity of all our cauldron of emotions, I prayed, wrote out my 10th step inventory of resentments and fears and gently embarked into the world with the intent to be there for Jesus' need; it was a day of magical choreography wherein people were put in my path and I was able to be there for them, not from a "better than" place - but rather from a place of bone-level, "surprised-by-joy" humility, watching the cosmic choreography, the results of a spiritual experiment play out. Will this "design for living" work in this time of hard-going, too?
For example, I shared at an AA meeting and could feel my words resonating for the man opposite me. Then I walked to pick up a package and ran into a young woman I had met a week ago who was looking for a sponsor at that time. We reconnected. The thought then came to take a yoga class. I was in the "wrong" room and ended up sharing with the teacher of the class that had just ended about 12-Steps....
Mavis took something from head to heart for me yesterday; there are just no excuses for self-centeredness; its price is too high, insanity or death, literally.
Yes, He is in need.
"Truly, I say to you, as you did it to the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." (Matthew 25:40)
"It is in giving that we receive."
It is in understanding that we are understood.
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."
(Prayer of St. Frances)
"Simple but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all."
(Big Book page 14)
I slept hard and long last night and woke in peace.